Fox News, November 1st, 23:02
Nov. 14th, 2006 11:31 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
secret_history “... and now, back to our main headlines: They get up and kill. Those they kill... get up and kill! An unholy terror is overrunning the nation, feeding off our fear —and our flesh! Since early this morning what many are calling legions of the Antichrist have been rampaging their way northwards, rioting and pillaging as they go. Is this a new terrorist threat? Is America being overrun by zombies? Fox’s Cathy Woodward reports.”
“Thank you, Bob. Sources have been unable to confirm or deny the possible involvement of Al-Qaeda in this latest bout of attacks, or whether we should be worried about biological warfare at this point. These are the first attacks on American soil since the tragic events of September 11th, 2001, and already the victims are reported to be many times the number of those lost on that fateful day. A White House spokesperson had this to say earlier today:
The image cut to a well-dressed middle-aged man in a pinstripe suit and blue necktie, his steel-grey hair carefully parted on one side, standing in front of a forest of microphones.
“We have been unable at this time to determine whether or not the recent disturbances are, in fact, the result of a terrorist attack on national soil. We are not ruling out that possibility, and in fact are taking every precaution to make ensure our national safety. As the threat appears in great part to have come overland over the shared border between the United States and Mexico, we have taken additional steps to secure the border against illegal incursions, and the President of Mexico has assured us that whatever disturbances may be taking place in that country are being contained as we speak.”
His next few words were drowned out by a chorus of questions from reporters who crowded at the base of the podium, each shouting to be heard above the others. Cathy Woodward’s face reappeared centre-screen, looking appropriately grave yet hopeful.
“That was a White House representative speaking to the press one hour ago. Many are blaming a sudden surge in illegal immigration for the insane cannibalistic urges that are threatening the very fabric of our society.”
The camera cut to a tow-headed man with sun-darkened skin standing on a sidewalk in what was obviously a small American town that hadn’t yet been affected by the zombie incursion. He was dressed in a brown cowboy hat and a dirty grey t-shirt with the sleeves cut off. A prominent beer belly hung over faded blue jeans that desperately needed washing, and his large feet were solidly encased in scuffed brown cowboy boots with tarnished spurs.
“What we’ve done is set ourselves up with a good, old-fashioned militia,” he was saying, his face red with poorly-contained, self-righteous anger.“We ain’t gonna let no goddamned heathen wetback zombified illegal pieces of shit come and tear our country apart! We all have been trainin’ for this since we was old enough to hold a BB gun, and by God we’re goin’ to defend our country even if the government folks are too chickenshit to do anything about it.”
“You believe, then,” the reporter asked, “that this is the result of illegal immigration?”
“What the hell else are we supposed to think? There’s all sorts of diseases in them countries down south, and it ain’t like the wetbacks are gettin’ regular vaccinations. They’re bringin’ in all sorts of disease like typhoid and diphtheria and other things which we ain’t seen here in a hundred years.”
“What measures have you been taking, then, to prevent the spread of this phenomenon here? I can’t help but notice that your town so far seems to have escaped the worst of the violence.”
“That’s ‘cause we’re shootin’ em before they can get close enough to do any mischief. See them houses down yonder?” he pointed somewhere the camera couldn’t follow. “We’ve set them up as bunkers, and we’re takin’ it in shifts. Anything suspicious so much as moves out there, and we fill ‘em full of lead.”
“You’re shooting indiscriminately at people?”
“‘Course not. You can tell when it’s a diseased one: they stagger all over the place like they’ve been on a five-day bender. It’s dead easy, then: you just aim for the head, same as in the movies.”
“The head?”
“That’s the only thing that’ll stop ‘em in their tracks.”
Woodward turned back to the camera, her face a mask of journalistic skepticism. “There you have it: independent militias have sprung up throughout the southern United States in an effort to control a plague that locals feel the government has not been able to effectively repel. They are well-armed, they are numerous, and the orders they have been given are: ‘Shoot to kill.’ For Fox News, this is Cathy Woodward in Lewiston, New Mexico.”
“Thank you, Cathy. We are back with more breaking news on the zombie threat facing America. There is still no confirmation about whether this might be an act of biological warfare committed against North America by members of Al-Qaeda. No one thus far has claimed responsibility for the outbreak of violence.
“For our viewers at home, Fox News encourages you to take all possible precautions in light of this latest threat to America. Do not leave your homes if you can help it, until such time as our government declares it safe. If your home is in a threatened area, find your way as quickly as possible to the nearest aid station. A list of the aid stations will appear on your screen in just a moment. If you are in distress or immediate danger, call 911 or any of the emergency numbers that we will provide in just a moment. Under no circumstances should you attempt to deal with any of the affected people should they be in your area. Avoid them at all costs.
“More in a moment. Now, a word from our sponsors.”
“Thank you, Bob. Sources have been unable to confirm or deny the possible involvement of Al-Qaeda in this latest bout of attacks, or whether we should be worried about biological warfare at this point. These are the first attacks on American soil since the tragic events of September 11th, 2001, and already the victims are reported to be many times the number of those lost on that fateful day. A White House spokesperson had this to say earlier today:
The image cut to a well-dressed middle-aged man in a pinstripe suit and blue necktie, his steel-grey hair carefully parted on one side, standing in front of a forest of microphones.
“We have been unable at this time to determine whether or not the recent disturbances are, in fact, the result of a terrorist attack on national soil. We are not ruling out that possibility, and in fact are taking every precaution to make ensure our national safety. As the threat appears in great part to have come overland over the shared border between the United States and Mexico, we have taken additional steps to secure the border against illegal incursions, and the President of Mexico has assured us that whatever disturbances may be taking place in that country are being contained as we speak.”
His next few words were drowned out by a chorus of questions from reporters who crowded at the base of the podium, each shouting to be heard above the others. Cathy Woodward’s face reappeared centre-screen, looking appropriately grave yet hopeful.
“That was a White House representative speaking to the press one hour ago. Many are blaming a sudden surge in illegal immigration for the insane cannibalistic urges that are threatening the very fabric of our society.”
The camera cut to a tow-headed man with sun-darkened skin standing on a sidewalk in what was obviously a small American town that hadn’t yet been affected by the zombie incursion. He was dressed in a brown cowboy hat and a dirty grey t-shirt with the sleeves cut off. A prominent beer belly hung over faded blue jeans that desperately needed washing, and his large feet were solidly encased in scuffed brown cowboy boots with tarnished spurs.
“What we’ve done is set ourselves up with a good, old-fashioned militia,” he was saying, his face red with poorly-contained, self-righteous anger.“We ain’t gonna let no goddamned heathen wetback zombified illegal pieces of shit come and tear our country apart! We all have been trainin’ for this since we was old enough to hold a BB gun, and by God we’re goin’ to defend our country even if the government folks are too chickenshit to do anything about it.”
“You believe, then,” the reporter asked, “that this is the result of illegal immigration?”
“What the hell else are we supposed to think? There’s all sorts of diseases in them countries down south, and it ain’t like the wetbacks are gettin’ regular vaccinations. They’re bringin’ in all sorts of disease like typhoid and diphtheria and other things which we ain’t seen here in a hundred years.”
“What measures have you been taking, then, to prevent the spread of this phenomenon here? I can’t help but notice that your town so far seems to have escaped the worst of the violence.”
“That’s ‘cause we’re shootin’ em before they can get close enough to do any mischief. See them houses down yonder?” he pointed somewhere the camera couldn’t follow. “We’ve set them up as bunkers, and we’re takin’ it in shifts. Anything suspicious so much as moves out there, and we fill ‘em full of lead.”
“You’re shooting indiscriminately at people?”
“‘Course not. You can tell when it’s a diseased one: they stagger all over the place like they’ve been on a five-day bender. It’s dead easy, then: you just aim for the head, same as in the movies.”
“The head?”
“That’s the only thing that’ll stop ‘em in their tracks.”
Woodward turned back to the camera, her face a mask of journalistic skepticism. “There you have it: independent militias have sprung up throughout the southern United States in an effort to control a plague that locals feel the government has not been able to effectively repel. They are well-armed, they are numerous, and the orders they have been given are: ‘Shoot to kill.’ For Fox News, this is Cathy Woodward in Lewiston, New Mexico.”
“Thank you, Cathy. We are back with more breaking news on the zombie threat facing America. There is still no confirmation about whether this might be an act of biological warfare committed against North America by members of Al-Qaeda. No one thus far has claimed responsibility for the outbreak of violence.
“For our viewers at home, Fox News encourages you to take all possible precautions in light of this latest threat to America. Do not leave your homes if you can help it, until such time as our government declares it safe. If your home is in a threatened area, find your way as quickly as possible to the nearest aid station. A list of the aid stations will appear on your screen in just a moment. If you are in distress or immediate danger, call 911 or any of the emergency numbers that we will provide in just a moment. Under no circumstances should you attempt to deal with any of the affected people should they be in your area. Avoid them at all costs.
“More in a moment. Now, a word from our sponsors.”
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Redneck zombie hunters!
Date: 2006-11-14 04:35 pm (UTC)Hold mah beer, y'all, and watch this!
Brilliant spoof of Faux News, BTW.
Re: Redneck zombie hunters!
Date: 2006-11-14 04:43 pm (UTC)I'll confess to having some trouble with the newscasts, so I'm glad I'm getting the feel right after all. I really, really wanted to work in the "get up and kill" reference, so yay!
Also, how would you classify the kind of zombie outbreak I've described so far? Is there a threat level or a category level? I'm going to need this information later on when the main characters finally run into people who (sort of) know what they're talking about. ;)
Re: Redneck zombie hunters!
Date: 2006-11-14 04:57 pm (UTC)Class 1: rural area, 1-20 zombies, 50 human casualties, 24 hours to two weeks in duration, twenty-mile infested radius, controlled by civilians or local law enforcement, probably not reported in the media.
Class 2: rural or urban area, 20-100 zombies, several hundred human casualties, 24 hours to two weeks in duration, hundred-mile infested area in rural outbreaks, several blocks in the case of urban outbreaks, controlled by law enforcement and possibly military units, usually reported by media although frequently inaccurately.
Class 3: thousands of zombies, severe human casualties, duration of several months, infested area hundreds of miles wide, full-blown military involvement with martial law most likely being declared and civil liberties suspended, riots and mass panic common, full-blown media feeding frenzy.
Class 4: TEOTWAWKI. The Zombocalypse. WWZ where the living lose.
Seems like here we have multiple Class 3's in progress, in fact, the early days of WWZ, and we're well on our way to a class 4.
*squee*
Re: Redneck zombie hunters!
Date: 2006-11-14 05:29 pm (UTC)*goes off to keep writing*
"I got me another one!"
Date: 2006-11-15 03:10 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-11-23 02:34 am (UTC)I grew up and lived in stupid-podunk-redneck-backwater-Mississippi for about 25 years, and as far as racial slurs go, I dont think I've ever actually heard anyone say 'wetback' except when making a point about racial slurs, in poor attempts at humor, or in fiction. 'Spic' (Spick?) however I heard plenty. I don't know how much you want to be slur specific though, heh. Especially since either way, anyone would know what you're talking about, and get the hick stereotype. That's also not a Texan point of view, where for all I know, they might say it there a lot?
no subject
Date: 2006-11-23 03:34 am (UTC)I will come back to this and ajust it, in that case. I'd like it to be reasonably accurate in terms of how people speak.
Thanks!